Remembrance Day

I know I'm a few days late, but I couldn't face this post till now.
Remembrance Day is about remembering all those who have died serving their country. I appreciate what these people have given us so much and what their families gave was made so much more poignant by the passing of Ruby. Yes Ruby was just a tiny dog, but she was part of our family. It brought home to me how much grief and sorrow the families of our fallen soldiers must have to endure. A grief that never ends. A hole in their heart that can never be filled.
No greater love than this, that a man lay down his life for another....this is what they have done for each and every one of us.

So to all our men and women in the armed forces, thankyou.

What not to say to someone who's grieving

Have you ever had someone close to you lose someone they loved and not known what to do or what to say to them?
I have, a friend who has lost both a son and a husband. I found it so hard to know what to say to her and so I asked her and she told me some things that you SHOULDN'T say, so I thought I would share them with you.
"It's God's will, he knows best"
"You have other children....you should live for them"
"You should keep busy"
"There are other people worse off than you"
"Don't dwell on it"
"They are in a better place"
"They're not suffering anymore"
"I know how you feel" (unless you to have been through exactly what they are going through. ie both lost a partner to cancer.)
"At least you had them for x number of years"

But remember it is better to be there and say the wrong thing occasionally than to stay away.
They need you to be there. You may need to see them or call them every couple of days for many months.

Let people talk, reassure them that everything they say is ok and that they are in a safe environment. Allow them the emotions that come up whatever they are. They don't want to hear about other peoples experiences. They want to be allowed to be in their grief, to feel what they are feeling and know it is okay. They will often repeat the same story over and over again, they need to speak their story until they feel they have really been heard and till they hear themselves telling it. Then they will naturally move to the next stage when they are ready. You can't speed the process along. Even though you may want them to be back to their old self and living life again that won't happen until they are ready. they will never be their old selves, they will be a person who has suffered grief and will be changed by it but they will eventually start to move on with their lives, but they will never be "over" it so don't expect them to be.

You can say you are sorry, that you remember the person, if you do.
Let them talk and let them cry.
Be their friend, let them still be a part of your life, let them know whats going on in your life, even though they may feel sad that life is still going on for everyone else they still want to be included and be told about your life. But don't complain about things that they can no longer do, like buying presents or organizing birthday parties etc.  If you are going to events they would normally be invited to, still invite them. if they don't feel up to it, they will say no. Don't make decisions for them.

I hope this will help you through a difficult time and will help you to help those around you.

How do you keep getting back up when life keeps knocking you down?

Sometimes life seems really hard. It can be natural disasters, personal crisis, death of a loved one or friend or even death of a pet. Usually it is something in your life that means a lot to you that is suddenly taken from you. How do we deal with this?

Often we are able to deal with one thing or even two, but what happens when it is one thing after another and it feels as if life itself has turned on you?

This is how I am feeling at the moment, a frinds family murdered in the US, a beautiful little dog run over before our eyes, the sudden unepected death of a cousin and then our plans to travel turned upside down. Even little things like deciding to repaint the deck and we get a week of rain.

Sometimes I find I can deal with the big things, but it's all the little ones tacked on that undo me.

Firstly I know from experience we need to reach out to others at times like this, be it friends or a crisis support line, it's important to know that others understand the pain you are suffering. They can't change it, but they can be there.

Secondly, be kind to yourself, allow yourself pleanty of sleep (if you can) or rest if you can't, try to plan somethings during the day to keep you busy, it helps take your mind off things, even if just for a few minutes at a time. If you feel like crying, allow yourself to cry, it is all part of the healing process.

Thirdly, try not to focus on just the things that are going wrong, ask friends to remind you of some of the good things in your life, you probably won't be able to think of any for yourself. The pain is too overwhelming.

I get very angry at God when things like this happen, but I still need him as ultimetly he is the only one who can help me through this. It is alright to let him know you are mad at him, but also remember to ask him to help you get through it.

Finally the only other solace I have found is to get out in nature. For me I go down to the beach and sit and watch the movement of the ocean and it makes me realise that I am only a tiny speck in this universe and somehow, even if I don't know how, I will get through this.

Be kind to yourself, eat chocolate, cry, sleep and ultimately keep putting one foot in front of the other and lean on your friends and family, allow others to help where they can. I will add an image here that hopefully will bring a momentary smile to your face.

Do you like my manicure?

Love to each and everyone of you.

Dealing with the loss of a pet

Many people due to floods and fire have lost their pets. In the face of so much loss, both of lives and possesions they often feel that it is wrong to be feeling the strong feelings of loss and greif they have. This is a great article on dealing with the loss of a pet. http://www.pet-loss.net/

My heart goes out to you.